By Nichole Denny
November 1, 2019
Eight years ago, I met Jesus at the age of 22. I said to him, “Lord, I give you everything, and I hold nothing back!” He so gently touched an unhealed heart. Yet I recoiled and remembered saying, “No! I was the victim there.” God is a gentleman. So if we refuse to give him something, he will not just take it.
For the next eight years of knowing him, I wasn’t free. I sang about the chain breaker, but carried around my heavy shackles. I was full of shame, regret, and condemnation because I had agreed with it for fourteen years.
My heart’s desire was closeness with him and to really know the Holy Spirit. I desired to feel his presence, but could never figure out what I was doing wrong. I read his Word for eight years and prayed. My prayers were even answered, but no “stirring the gift within you” was possible for me. Whenever I tried, it was if I were trying to walk through heavy mud. But I never gave up. I held onto God’s promises, “seek, and you will find, knock, and the door will be opened.” I kept begging for closeness.
One day the Lord said so clearly to me (which didn’t often happen at the time), “I’m going to take you deeper.” I was overjoyed! This was everything I wanted!
Two weeks later, my closest group of friends and I waited in anticipation to become “Squad Baby Aunts and Uncles” as the first of us to become parents, David and Elisa Cobb gave birth to their son, Abraham.
To everyone’s disbelief, Abraham died shortly after he was born.
The morning after his death, still in shock, I sat on my knees crying as my husband, Micah, held me. Feeling the overwhelming devastation for our dear friends’ loss, the Lord spoke clearly again, this time saying, “They didn’t have a choice, but you did.”
I knew exactly what the Lord was referring to, the undealt abortion I had at sixteen years old, and he was going to deal with this in me once and for all to “take me deeper” with him.
He reminded me of this unhealed abortion and demolished the walls I had built around it to protect myself. For two days, I experienced a festering hurt as I had never felt before, until I finally surrendered it to him. When I did, he lifted the fourteen years of shame as if it were a stray hair.
Rewind fourteen years to the young age of sixteen. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and soon found myself pregnant. Confused and naïve, I have no idea what I was going to do. I had no relationship with God, nor did I think of him, but I did have a tiny hope in my heart of keeping the baby.
At that time, I shared with my Mom that I was pregnant. She asked me what I was going to do. She waited silently for an answer, but I became too afraid to tell her that I wanted to keep my child. As she waited for my response, I finally uttered what I believed she wanted to hear: “I’ll have an abortion.” Immediately, I felt the small inkling of hope within me diminish. Blame toward my mother rushed in my heart.
After the procedure, I went home and slept. As I woke up the next morning, I believed that I had successfully stuffed into the depth of my being all despair and regret.
Two weeks later, I remember waking up feeling devastated, hoping it was a terrible nightmare but also confused, empty, lost, broken, and shocked. I felt as though a piece of me was left at that cold, dead, hopeless place when I walked out that evening. I believed that the only one to blame was the one who made me do it, my mother.
I remained a subconsciously ashamed individual for the next fourteen years of my life. In my heart and mind, she (my mother) made me do it, not me. I was the victim, and it was as if she had held me down and forced me, which she didn’t.
Fast forward fourteen years, after I fully surrendered to Jesus what I had done, and he lifted the shame. I realized how much more emotional and mental damage the abortion had caused me.
I found a healing post-abortive recovery ministry called Save One at a local church. Through their ten-week healing Bible study, led by my blessed leaders Sandy and Beth, the Lord worked wonders in my heart and mind. I acknowledged fault, repented of the abortion, forgave my mother, forgave myself, and fully surrendered my entire life to Jesus. I found deliverance and emotional healing in ways that I didn’t know were necessary, or possible.
I am truly honored and humbled to be a daughter of the One True King!
My journey has ignited in me a passion for educating women and extending hope after an abortion, as well as walking alongside them to lead them through it.
We have since started Beautiful Redemption at Lamb’s Chapel in Burlington, NC, a ministry that functions as a voice for women who need encouragement, hope, and healing from the One and only Redeemer.
If I could leave all who have experienced this with just one word, it would be the word “redemption.” God redeems all things.
This article was posted with the author’s permission.
To learn more about Beautiful Redemption, visit their page on The Lamb’s Chapel website, here
Nichole Denny is a contributing writer for the Human Defense Initiative.
She is also Field Director for Susan B. Anthony List and currently hiring field reps for the Triad region of North Carolina, starting now through the 2020 election. Interested in advancing the pro-life cause through employment? Nichole invites you to contact her at this email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Furthermore, Nichole says that she connects with a lot of women who struggle post-abortion via social media. Need somebody to talk to about the abortion you may be contemplating or have had already? Below are some ways that you can contact her.
Personal Instagram: nicholedenny_
Instagram ministry pages: @let.her.speak.Truth
Personal Twitter: @denny_nichole
Twitter ministry: @in_redemption